There was this one time where I met a group of people that always called me dumb. Now I know I’m supposed to stick up for myself but for someone who suffers from depression, anxiety and low self-esteem it was always troublesome. I wish there were a way for me to just conquer my goal and stick up for myself without being angry or doing it angrily, I always thought that maybe my boyfriend would at least try to stick up for me since he’s been around them longer but he doesn’t so maybe its that time I speak up for myself and do it. Also, I believe I started to be antisocial after I got hit by a car and my leg, back, and neck got fucked up. I haven’t been to work in two months and I can confidently say I’m really getting to know myself and its scary, my every thought process is literally how I’ve completely locked myself into a ball without communicating about how I feel or what I’m feeling. My whole life has been me closed up like a box just covering myself in different wrapping paper trying to satisfy every individual I have ever run into or got to know. Like maybe its just me but suffering from depression and anxiety I feel alone. Even when my boyfriend is right next to me I feel alone and when he plays on his phone and isn’t talking I always wished he spoke because I just hated listening to the negative thoughts in my head. The repeating of “You’re worthless, you’re not smart, you’ll never do anything with yourself, you mine as well get rid of yourself because of everyone as there life together but you.”
When these thoughts get so aggressive I become mute and quiet, I suffer internally from negative thoughts every day and I wish it can stop. Sorry for the rant, I am seeing a therapist now so I am getting help. This is my first entry and I wanted to share my beautiful mental health journey that ill be sharing almost every day, I want to share this so that people who also handle this can know that YOU’RE NOT ALONE. I am here for you if nobody is there for you.
Today turned out to be quite inspiring for me, I woke up brushed my teeth and did some exercises to make me feel better since I read an article about it awhile ago. I was trying to make an entry earlier today but my ADD distracted me with some depression romance movies. Besides that today I wanna discuss dealing with low self esteem and still trying to remain independent, in my opinion it’s the hardest thing for me to do because I always need reassurance with EVERYTHING. Including my relationship asking my partner if I can do things or go somewhere I weirdly do it automatically then by the time the question is out I feel stupid for asking, in my head I ask to make sure he won’t be upset. Which comes from my last relationship, asking to do a lot of things since he would get mad over EVERY little thing, he hated when I made moves alone without him being involved he would lecture me telling me I’m dumb and it’s not for to him. And dealing with him for a year and getting mentally bullied about it I see it effectively changed me to the point where I finally found the person I love and I’m so scared to lose him I always ask these damn questions.
Today out of all days I got into a huge disagreement with my partner about the fact that I always ask him to do things or to go places, even though I’m not in a good mental state him stating my flaw out loud really made me … sad. It’s like I couldn’t handle the truth about the fact that I’m not independent.
The word repeated itself in my head for 15 minutes as I regretted asking or saying things aloud, it wasn’t his fault but hearing it aloud made me wanna just cry and be alone, I wanted to get rid of this flaw today but I knew it wasn’t possible. What if my partner hated it about me so much he left? It was now my fault I messed things up.
I believe telling myself I’m strong, beautiful, smart and independent everyday will help me. I should start tomorrow and maybe that’ll help me with the mental healing process.
Again, to those who are reading this and who suffer through a lot I’m always here you can contact me anytime and YOU’RE NOT ALONE.